A Long Kiss during a Quarantine

We’re quarantined, our jobs closed down, we’re barely scraping by. We’re bored, we’re pacing the floors, we need to work, we need to eat. We need to pay our bills. We’re afraid to lose our homes. We’re afraid to lose our jobs. We’re afraid of not being able to feed our families. We’re afraid of  running out of soap, toilet paper, bottled water. We are afraid to be near anyone. We are afraid to be away from everyone. We hate being alone. We are so fucking alone. We break quarantine to see his face, for a long kiss, for someone to hold. For conversation, to just look at him.

Its Ok to be not ok

Here’s how I see it. Finding someone to love is not going to save me. But to find someone to hold my hand while I try to save myself, in a world that’s not so great all the time and sometimes hard to bear. I think that’s all we’re really searching for. Someone to be by our side.  Someone who grounds us. Someone to hug us for 20 minutes straight while we try to figure it all out. I think that’s all anybody really needs. Someone to be there. Someone who gets us. Someone who will stay. Someone who will say it’s OK, to be not OK until it’s all OK. 

The Tribes

I’ve come to realize in my old age. The ripe ole age of 48, that my tribe is ever changing. Old friends, become new friends. New friends become old friends. There are a few constants. Some I’d be sad if I lost. Some I’d smile as they walked away. And God Forgive me, I wouldn’t shed a tear for a small few, if they fell off the face of the earth. There’s one I want to adventure with, take naps with, cook for, get to know more. There’s friends that I party with, drink with, dance with, sing with. There are friends that hold me up. There are friends that I lift. There is the tribe since childhood. There’s the tribe since Highschool and then there’s the tribe you NEVER EVER EVER saw coming. A bunch of misfits that fit together like a well thought out puzzle. I just love them all with all my might and need them to know that I think of and love each and every one of them every single day of their lives. 

Never Underestimate the power of a good morning text.

See the best in them, even when they don’t see it. 

Make sure they know that you care

Make sure they know they are loved

And Love me harder on the days they are feeling unlovable.

1/4/19 So I did it. I left my home I’ve been in since 2004, all because I couldn’t let go of an affair that happened six years ago. The love lost over these last six years, has been unbearable. I could no longer get passed the fact that I wasn’t the first choice. That my husband was with another woman on my birthday, on holidays, when he said he was working or with friends. I could no longer get passed the fact that I was second fiddle for a long time. And the lies and deceit were too much to bare anymore. I was not married to the man I married. I conhabitated with a stranger. I let my child see I settled. I settled for being second best. I let him see that I was ok with being lied to.  I let him hear me cry and didn’t tell him why. I let him see me be a door mat and it was ok. And he never questioned why. He never questioned why I walked on eggshells when dad slept. He never questioned why there was no laughter in our house. He never questioned why mom slept in another room. Now it’s every other weekend and once during the week time with his dad. But since he doesn’t know what happened, I’m the selfish one. I moved him out of the only home he’s ever known, Because I’m selfish. I only want myself to be happy. I don’t care about anyone else. That’s my cross to bare. In due time will he know I did it for him. I did it for us. It’s been two full months since I’ve physically walked away after mentally walking away in April of 2013. That was a long time to stay and hate yourself, hate your life, fake a smile, fake your life.

There are people that come in and out of your life. There are some that stay for a short time, for certain reasons or another they couldn’t or wouldn’t stay or you pushed them away. Some leave and come back. Some linger around like a thorn in your side but they are comfortable, but add absolutely nothing to your life. Some stay around and change your life every day, and make your world a better place. Some make you laugh. some make you cry. Some make you angry, some make you happy.

I learned a few things about myself this weekend. I walked into my high school reunion saying to myself I don’t care if anyone remembers me or not, I don’t care if they liked me or not, if they cared to ever know me or not. I was starting new tonight. I was the Tracy I became over the past 30, flaws, mistakes, triumphs, no regrets.  I heard some things from a few people that I was shocked to hear. About how nice I was to them, how much of a good true friend I was, how much they missed me, how they wish they kept in contact with me, how they crushed on me. And when I look back, I can say to myself I truly cared about each of them, but I had no idea I made any impact on anyone or anything and that is why I live the way I do today, leaving my mark daily, leaving my legacy. It’s not was I have, it’s what I leave behind. It will show in my work, volunteering, charities and home.

So when I say no regrets, maybe that not a full and true statement. I regret not finding out earlier what I meant to someone (and to be there for them), I regret not knowing what people thought of me (and to stay on their mind). I regret not being in their lives and them not being in mine(and watching our children grow.
When you feel invisible, it’s not a happy time. You reinvent yourself. You become a new you. Who would have thought that I mattered? Did you ever think about what you mattered to anyone? I didn’t, because I never thought I did. But it’s not true, each of you that has come in, in and out or in out and in again, have made me who I am today. Even if you haven't made a difference, each of you created a memory, each of you left a foot print in my life.
That’s all I have to say about that.

Imperfection

The flaws and imperfections you see in your reflection aren’t flaws to me, I see them as your protection against all the doubts you have of your perfection. You ARE worth it. You ARE PERFECT. You ARE enough. 

So start today.... Take a long look in the mirror today and say to yourself “I am who I’ve been looking for.”  If you don’t love yourself how can you ever love someone else. 

No, I wouldn't change your choices. I wouldn't ask you to stay, not to serve, not to leave us. No, I don't wish you home, or resent the miles, or wish it was different. Yes, I know I can't change what is, stop your journey, or keep you safe. Yes, I worry, but I am proud. Yes, I pray for your days and protection for your mind. Yes, I storm the heavens and plead for safety for you, and for all your brothers and sisters in uniform.
No, I wouldn't change your choices, but I do beg God every day that you never lose heart, lose this smile, or lose hope. If you do, I will fight. Fight for you, fight the entire world, one demon at a time. I would do whatever it took, to get it back for you. Anything and everything it takes, I will do, if ever I need to, to help you remember there is goodness still ahead.
I think that's just what military mamas do.