There are people that come in and out of your life. There are some that stay for a short time, for certain reasons or another they couldn’t or wouldn’t stay or you pushed them away. Some leave and come back. Some linger around like a thorn in your side but they are comfortable, but add absolutely nothing to your life. Some stay around and change your life every day, and make your world a better place. Some make you laugh. some make you cry. Some make you angry, some make you happy.

I learned a few things about myself this weekend. I walked into my high school reunion saying to myself I don’t care if anyone remembers me or not, I don’t care if they liked me or not, if they cared to ever know me or not. I was starting new tonight. I was the Tracy I became over the past 30, flaws, mistakes, triumphs, no regrets.  I heard some things from a few people that I was shocked to hear. About how nice I was to them, how much of a good true friend I was, how much they missed me, how they wish they kept in contact with me, how they crushed on me. And when I look back, I can say to myself I truly cared about each of them, but I had no idea I made any impact on anyone or anything and that is why I live the way I do today, leaving my mark daily, leaving my legacy. It’s not was I have, it’s what I leave behind. It will show in my work, volunteering, charities and home.

So when I say no regrets, maybe that not a full and true statement. I regret not finding out earlier what I meant to someone (and to be there for them), I regret not knowing what people thought of me (and to stay on their mind). I regret not being in their lives and them not being in mine(and watching our children grow.
When you feel invisible, it’s not a happy time. You reinvent yourself. You become a new you. Who would have thought that I mattered? Did you ever think about what you mattered to anyone? I didn’t, because I never thought I did. But it’s not true, each of you that has come in, in and out or in out and in again, have made me who I am today. Even if you haven't made a difference, each of you created a memory, each of you left a foot print in my life.
That’s all I have to say about that.

Imperfection

The flaws and imperfections you see in your reflection aren’t flaws to me, I see them as your protection against all the doubts you have of your perfection. You ARE worth it. You ARE PERFECT. You ARE enough. 

So start today.... Take a long look in the mirror today and say to yourself “I am who I’ve been looking for.”  If you don’t love yourself how can you ever love someone else. 

No, I wouldn't change your choices. I wouldn't ask you to stay, not to serve, not to leave us. No, I don't wish you home, or resent the miles, or wish it was different. Yes, I know I can't change what is, stop your journey, or keep you safe. Yes, I worry, but I am proud. Yes, I pray for your days and protection for your mind. Yes, I storm the heavens and plead for safety for you, and for all your brothers and sisters in uniform.
No, I wouldn't change your choices, but I do beg God every day that you never lose heart, lose this smile, or lose hope. If you do, I will fight. Fight for you, fight the entire world, one demon at a time. I would do whatever it took, to get it back for you. Anything and everything it takes, I will do, if ever I need to, to help you remember there is goodness still ahead.
I think that's just what military mamas do.

I watched you die before my eyes.

I watched you die right before my eyes and swore to God to take my life to keep you alive. Years I spent wondering what happened. Because when were just kids I could never had imagined.
But then you cast a spell and somewhere, something dark and Satan’s greatest trick was keeping us apart. And the power took over. Some call it addiction. And i call you on the phone praying for you to listen. But you couldn’t hear me. It was like you were comatose and every time I’d have a nightmare right before my eyes. And I’d never thought you would pray for death but the thought of you dying, steals the breath from my chest. Cause I’m your sister and you’re supposed to protect me. But drugs took my brother and made him neglect me. Then the meth stepped in and entranced you with its charm. And your eyes sunk in and I knew you couldn’t see me. But you said you had visions that you could see so clearly. And I tried to pull you out. My hands deep into the ground. But you passed away with no one around. And I prayed at your grave... sobbing, I’d grieved your life because I was mourning my brother and my brother was still alive. But you were buried., your ribs stuck to your skin. And I wondered was I ever going to see you again. And I screamed at God. Is this really your plan??? To give this gift to me and take it away again and again.???? Is this why you gave him life just to watch him suffer? Why did you make me a sister, just to take my brother? I don’t accept this. You made him for a purpose to be a father to his kids and son and a brother. And I know he’s thinking right now that he doesn’t deserve it. Because I thought that too when he hurt my daughter. When he involved her in his madness and she knew more than she should. But God if you can hear me then show him there’s hope.
Then something happened. My brother started to see and I had to take a second glance cause YOU were looking back at me. And I watched you come alive. Now you call us on the phone. You involve us in your healing and you’re no longer alone. I hope you found this peace, no longer a drug and you found her love and hope it’s enough.  And God gave you a vision, it’s you with your kids, our parents and us. I want to sit back so amazed and the progress you’ve made. I want to finally sleep with no weight on my chest, that my brother will be here and doing his best. And God I want to thank you for giving me back my brother. We can sleep again knowing we have each other.

Weak

He was someone who was unable to love someone other than himself. I am not sure that he even loved himself. He was full of insecurities and self-doubts that he was projecting on others. He gained his self-confidence and importance through the admiration of others.
I lost myself in the process of loving a narcissistic man.
From a happy, confident, and strong woman, I became an anxious, depressed, and weak little girl. I believed that I was worthless to be loved and I saw negativity everywhere.

After the Affair

The first year was the emotional rollercoaster year. The first year was full of tears. I cried on my way to work on a daily basis. I cried at work. I cried at night when the house was dark and quiet. I cried as I watched my husband with our children acting as if nothing had happened. I cried until I became numb. The first year was full of triggers. Everything disgusted me. The way he breathed, the way he ate, the way he dresses, the way he went out as if it was no big deal.  By the end of year one I was beginning to focus on learning to live with the affair and not letting it control my emotions. Just living with it. 

Surviving an Affair.

If you have to erase messages, email or numbers because you know your spouse will not approve or it will upset them, then you have already cheated, emotionally. Emotional cheating is worse, sometimes, than sexual cheating. To CHOOSE someone over your spouse. To work at hiding the affair, is harder than walking away from starting the affair and working to save your marriage. If you worked as hard at saving your marriage as you did at hiding the affair, you wouldn't be in the situation. The cheated spouse may have suspected long before the affair began, that they were losing their spouse, so they shut themselves off. Meaning, why work at something if they don't care enough to be there. Staying away for long periods, for unaccounted hours or days, looking for excuses to be away, has shut the cheated spouse off from reality. A deep depression sets in. They throw themselves into something where they feel appreciated, loved or admired. They put there whole selves into something, to feel that emotional connection, to hide the pain and sadness. The cheated spouse often finds an alternative to cheating, even when given the chance. They often throw themselves into a hobby, hovering over their children, or other family members or obsessing about their work. If deciding to keep the marriage together, The cheated spouse often feels they need to overcompensate by prostituting their integrity and forgiving too quickly. Not making the cheating spouse earn the trust and respect back. Thus, leaving the cheating spouse to feel invincible. They can't be touched, they can have their cake and eat it too. The cheating spouse will often end the affair, not because they want to, but because they got caught. They will wait for a better time to continue the affair. The affair will most likely continue if the cheated spouse let's their guard down. The cheating spouse felt a sense of entitlement. They were driven, they were drawn, they were lured, they were pushed. The cheating spouse CHOSE to cheat. It doesn't just happen. They chose to continue, they chose to hide, they chose to lie, they chose to choose SOMEONE else over their spouse. They absolutely meant for it to happen or else it wouldn't have happened. A one night stand is completely different than a sexual and emotional affair. The cheated spouse feels defeated, unloved, undesirable, and unwanted. It causes, sometimes, physical or emotional illnesses on the cheated spouse. The cheated spouse will often beg for forgiveness when in fact, they are being played. They are being made to believe what they did was the DIRECT cause of this affair. The cheating spouse continuously put themselves in the situation of a potential affair. Each time an omitted or false statement exited their mouth. Each time they had an excuse for their actions.