Its Ok to be not ok

Here’s how I see it. Finding someone to love is not going to save me. But to find someone to hold my hand while I try to save myself, in a world that’s not so great all the time and sometimes hard to bear. I think that’s all we’re really searching for. Someone to be by our side.  Someone who grounds us. Someone to hug us for 20 minutes straight while we try to figure it all out. I think that’s all anybody really needs. Someone to be there. Someone who gets us. Someone who will stay. Someone who will say it’s OK, to be not OK until it’s all OK. 

The Tribes

I’ve come to realize in my old age. The ripe ole age of 48, that my tribe is ever changing. Old friends, become new friends. New friends become old friends. There are a few constants. Some I’d be sad if I lost. Some I’d smile as they walked away. And God Forgive me, I wouldn’t shed a tear for a small few, if they fell off the face of the earth. There’s one I want to adventure with, take naps with, cook for, get to know more. There’s friends that I party with, drink with, dance with, sing with. There are friends that hold me up. There are friends that I lift. There is the tribe since childhood. There’s the tribe since Highschool and then there’s the tribe you NEVER EVER EVER saw coming. A bunch of misfits that fit together like a well thought out puzzle. I just love them all with all my might and need them to know that I think of and love each and every one of them every single day of their lives. 

Never Underestimate the power of a good morning text.

See the best in them, even when they don’t see it. 

Make sure they know that you care

Make sure they know they are loved

And Love me harder on the days they are feeling unlovable.

1/4/19 So I did it. I left my home I’ve been in since 2004, all because I couldn’t let go of an affair that happened six years ago. The love lost over these last six years, has been unbearable. I could no longer get passed the fact that I wasn’t the first choice. That my husband was with another woman on my birthday, on holidays, when he said he was working or with friends. I could no longer get passed the fact that I was second fiddle for a long time. And the lies and deceit were too much to bare anymore. I was not married to the man I married. I conhabitated with a stranger. I let my child see I settled. I settled for being second best. I let him see that I was ok with being lied to.  I let him hear me cry and didn’t tell him why. I let him see me be a door mat and it was ok. And he never questioned why. He never questioned why I walked on eggshells when dad slept. He never questioned why there was no laughter in our house. He never questioned why mom slept in another room. Now it’s every other weekend and once during the week time with his dad. But since he doesn’t know what happened, I’m the selfish one. I moved him out of the only home he’s ever known, Because I’m selfish. I only want myself to be happy. I don’t care about anyone else. That’s my cross to bare. In due time will he know I did it for him. I did it for us. It’s been two full months since I’ve physically walked away after mentally walking away in April of 2013. That was a long time to stay and hate yourself, hate your life, fake a smile, fake your life.

There are people that come in and out of your life. There are some that stay for a short time, for certain reasons or another they couldn’t or wouldn’t stay or you pushed them away. Some leave and come back. Some linger around like a thorn in your side but they are comfortable, but add absolutely nothing to your life. Some stay around and change your life every day, and make your world a better place. Some make you laugh. some make you cry. Some make you angry, some make you happy.

I learned a few things about myself this weekend. I walked into my high school reunion saying to myself I don’t care if anyone remembers me or not, I don’t care if they liked me or not, if they cared to ever know me or not. I was starting new tonight. I was the Tracy I became over the past 30, flaws, mistakes, triumphs, no regrets.  I heard some things from a few people that I was shocked to hear. About how nice I was to them, how much of a good true friend I was, how much they missed me, how they wish they kept in contact with me, how they crushed on me. And when I look back, I can say to myself I truly cared about each of them, but I had no idea I made any impact on anyone or anything and that is why I live the way I do today, leaving my mark daily, leaving my legacy. It’s not was I have, it’s what I leave behind. It will show in my work, volunteering, charities and home.

So when I say no regrets, maybe that not a full and true statement. I regret not finding out earlier what I meant to someone (and to be there for them), I regret not knowing what people thought of me (and to stay on their mind). I regret not being in their lives and them not being in mine(and watching our children grow.
When you feel invisible, it’s not a happy time. You reinvent yourself. You become a new you. Who would have thought that I mattered? Did you ever think about what you mattered to anyone? I didn’t, because I never thought I did. But it’s not true, each of you that has come in, in and out or in out and in again, have made me who I am today. Even if you haven't made a difference, each of you created a memory, each of you left a foot print in my life.
That’s all I have to say about that.

Imperfection

The flaws and imperfections you see in your reflection aren’t flaws to me, I see them as your protection against all the doubts you have of your perfection. You ARE worth it. You ARE PERFECT. You ARE enough. 

So start today.... Take a long look in the mirror today and say to yourself “I am who I’ve been looking for.”  If you don’t love yourself how can you ever love someone else. 

No, I wouldn't change your choices. I wouldn't ask you to stay, not to serve, not to leave us. No, I don't wish you home, or resent the miles, or wish it was different. Yes, I know I can't change what is, stop your journey, or keep you safe. Yes, I worry, but I am proud. Yes, I pray for your days and protection for your mind. Yes, I storm the heavens and plead for safety for you, and for all your brothers and sisters in uniform.
No, I wouldn't change your choices, but I do beg God every day that you never lose heart, lose this smile, or lose hope. If you do, I will fight. Fight for you, fight the entire world, one demon at a time. I would do whatever it took, to get it back for you. Anything and everything it takes, I will do, if ever I need to, to help you remember there is goodness still ahead.
I think that's just what military mamas do.

I watched you die before my eyes.

I watched you die right before my eyes and swore to God to take my life to keep you alive. Years I spent wondering what happened. Because when were just kids I could never had imagined.
But then you cast a spell and somewhere, something dark and Satan’s greatest trick was keeping us apart. And the power took over. Some call it addiction. And i call you on the phone praying for you to listen. But you couldn’t hear me. It was like you were comatose and every time I’d have a nightmare right before my eyes. And I’d never thought you would pray for death but the thought of you dying, steals the breath from my chest. Cause I’m your sister and you’re supposed to protect me. But drugs took my brother and made him neglect me. Then the meth stepped in and entranced you with its charm. And your eyes sunk in and I knew you couldn’t see me. But you said you had visions that you could see so clearly. And I tried to pull you out. My hands deep into the ground. But you passed away with no one around. And I prayed at your grave... sobbing, I’d grieved your life because I was mourning my brother and my brother was still alive. But you were buried., your ribs stuck to your skin. And I wondered was I ever going to see you again. And I screamed at God. Is this really your plan??? To give this gift to me and take it away again and again.???? Is this why you gave him life just to watch him suffer? Why did you make me a sister, just to take my brother? I don’t accept this. You made him for a purpose to be a father to his kids and son and a brother. And I know he’s thinking right now that he doesn’t deserve it. Because I thought that too when he hurt my daughter. When he involved her in his madness and she knew more than she should. But God if you can hear me then show him there’s hope.
Then something happened. My brother started to see and I had to take a second glance cause YOU were looking back at me. And I watched you come alive. Now you call us on the phone. You involve us in your healing and you’re no longer alone. I hope you found this peace, no longer a drug and you found her love and hope it’s enough.  And God gave you a vision, it’s you with your kids, our parents and us. I want to sit back so amazed and the progress you’ve made. I want to finally sleep with no weight on my chest, that my brother will be here and doing his best. And God I want to thank you for giving me back my brother. We can sleep again knowing we have each other.