If you ever ask me why I want to marry you, here's why... I've wanted to marry you since the very first day. The very first day I wanted to know everything about you; what makes you tick, what makes you smile. I wanted to marry you because you are the first person I want to see when I wake up and the only forehead I want to kiss goodnight. I've wanted to marry you because the first time, you held my hand, I couldn't imagine not holding it for the rest of my life. And when you told me you loved me and I knew you meant it, it was sweeter than any song I've ever heard. I could hear it a million times and it could never get old. The song lyrics, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow are a lie. The day I knew I loved you, I was all in, I loved you with every fiber in my being. I will never be able to love you more than I do today, then I did that day, than I will tomorrow. that's an impossible feat. you're my person, my love. A few years back God spoke to me and said "I'm sending you to a man who needs to learn to love and needs to feel love the right way; what it feels like when it's true and when it stays, he will teach you to live again. but you need to teach him to love again." so I let him choose you for me and me for you. I can't promise that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that our future will bring us an abundant amount of rainbows. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect and that life will be easy. I can however, promise you my devotion, my loyalty, my respect and my unconditional love for our lifetime. I can promise you that I will always be here for you, to listen to you and to hold your hand, and I'll do my best to make you happy and feel loved all the days of your life and mine. I can promise I will see you through any crisis and pray with you and dream with you and build with you. I will always cheer you on and encourage you. I can promise you that I will willingly be your protector, not because you are weak but because you are important. I promise to be your advisor, your counselor, your family, your best friend, your everything. I promise all of this to you. and if I could ask you to make a promise to me in return; it is to live at least one minute longer than me, so I never have to know what it feels like to live without you. 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, will never be long enough. It will never be long enough to show you all of the love that I have for you. But I will spend each and every one of those 20, 30, 40 years trying my hardest to show you, if you'll let me. I love you babe.  

Forever

I want to come home to my forever. I want to come home to my one and only. I want to come home And feel loved. I want to come home to the one that God has set aside for me. I want to come home to pray with him, play with him and dance with him. I want my forever. I deserve my forever.

Destiny

 She was destined to love you!! Don't hold on to what's already gone. You don't have to SELL love. She already knows YOUR worth. She knows you deserve to be loved Through the good, the bad, the ugly, the ups and the downs. Love that can't be FAKED, FORGED or FORGOTTEN. Love that NEVER fails and ALWAYS graduates with HONORS. Because she is smart enough to love your imperfections and see you as a masterpiece. You are already SPECIAL. You are already AMAZING. You are already GOOD enough. You deserve people who listen to you, understand you, appreciate you because when LOVE is real... people will FIGHT to keep you in their life! Every moment was a building block for a better blessing. Now it's time to prepare for it. There's NO love lost. Because New love is FOUND.

Masterpiece

 He doesn’t trust easily. I can see that in the distance that he creates between himself and everyone around him. But he has much love to offer and I can see it in the kindness of his seldom smile he gives me. He has a million chaotic galaxies of thoughts, thousands of tangled up worlds of words and places in his mind. I can see it in the way his eyes seem somewhat lost, like they are somewhere else. It’s seems he wants to be somewhere else. I see it in his restlessness. Life never went easy for him and he doesn’t go easy on himself. He is strong. I can see it it his eyes. I can sense it in his voice. I believe that his body, heart, soul and his mind can recover and rebuild after being broken. He knows what it’s like to feel worthless, unworthy, unloved, defenseless, dismissed, denied and under-appreciated. I see the beauty in his quirks, in his scars and in his soul.  He is a masterpiece. He is my heart.

Surrender

 In your lifetime you will meet that one person who will love you more than anyone you have ever known and will ever know. They will love you with every bit of energy in their soul. They will sacrifice, surrender and give you so much love that it scares you.  Hold onto that person. Because a love like that is rare and only comes once in a lifetime. 

I will Find you.

 I can hear the sound of your barely beating heart.  Pieces on the ground from the world that fell apart.  Just hold on. It won’t be long. I will find you, here inside the dark. I will break through. No matter where you are. I WILL find you.  I won’t let you fall, I won’t let you go. I will help you find your heart.

Fear

 I love him fearlessly with so much fear. How is that? 

I give him my love fearlessly with the fear that he will never feel the same. 

You ever just put your heart out there with blind faith and not know where you stand? 

This is where I am. Wanting him, needing him. Questioning everything. Who I am. Who I am to him. Where we are. What our future holds. 

It’s not that I want to be loved so bad, is that I want him to love me so good. To be his absolute everything as he is to me.

It’s sucks not knowing where you stand and when they just can’t tell you, is where you start wondering if you, indeed, are enough for their heart to hold onto. 

I want so bad to be his heart, his love, his home. 

Finding your worth is a lot harder than when you are in the dark. 

I know I am worthy, but sometimes I don’t feel he sees that. 

He is my heart. He is my future. I love him deep in my soul. 

I just wish he felt the same love. That he never had to question if I am worth it. If we are worth it. 

I know there is something special, something different. Something real about him. I feel that. I know it. 

I keep saying to myself, The one who says I can’t love you, once loved someone unconditionally. And that Is what i see. He once, twice and more times loved someone so unconditionally, that he hasn’t any left for me. 

My biggest fear is that he doesn’t have love left in his heart to give to me. I do hope he sees my unconditional, love and support. Absolutely since day one. I keep thinking that he’ll come around and realize this is it. It can be our end all be all. And I will fear no more. 

Love Fearlessly

The truth is when you’re still getting over being hurt and you meet someone new, there probably isn’t going to be that relief of “finally!!!” I get that. 

I know you want to be over it, I know you want to love again. And I know that will take time. I understand. You didn’t ask to fall in love before. You didn’t ask to get your heart broken. And you most certainly didn’t ask for fate to throw someone like ME at you when you weren’t ready. I know I’m a bit of a handful. 

But when you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it isn’t enough, you don’t even know what you have to offer to someone new. I know that feeling all to well. 

And you explain it to me, like “this is what I’m going through right now”. And I’ve understood it from the first time, from the very beginning. 

But I know, you know, in your heart that I deserve a fair shot at love with you. I know you don’t want to put pressure on me, thinking I need to heal you. And you wish you could give me your best, but all of it is a process. I know you don’t want to make me feel exactly the way they have made you feel, like it’s me, that’s not good enough or worthy. Or that you are comparing me to someone else. But it IS exactly what you are doing. When I say I’m different. And when I say I won’t hurt you. I can say anything I want. But I’ve proven it, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I love you, that I care for you, that I am loyal, you can trust me and that I have your back, every day, no matter what. 

You stay so silent sometimes distant and unemotional, trying to move forward, even if it’s baby steps with me. I’m ok with baby steps. Oh God, I am ok with baby steps. 

I know your heart isn’t in this completely. I mean how could it be? It was crushed. Because being open and vulnerable with someone is rough. Thinking of someone else’s feelings rather than yours is harder than it seems. And when you’ve been burned by love before, the process is that much scarier.

So, in the beginning you diverted your attention to someone who was giving you their attention, me. Then reality set in and I started falling and you weren’t there yet. But you didn’t tell me right away. Not until you had to.

But you know sometimes all it takes is someone treating you right and loving you right. I know you know that. 

Maybe I’m not what you want right now, but maybe i am exactly what you need. Maybe some people are designed to heal the pain others caused and love you in a way that is so unfamiliar, that is just feels right. That is feels like home. Because you feel like home to me. 
Maybe we are all one degree and one strange meeting away from healing. Maybe it isn’t something we have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is that one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can “finally!!!” let go of. 

The beginning of healing your life and heart could very well be with a girl who loves you fearlessly, someone like me. Beause I’ve been burned, I’ve been crushed. I’ve been destroyed. I have died so many times. But I am still here and alive and handing my heart and my love to you. 

I love fearlessly because I recognize that my past, or yours, isn’t the determination of our present. I know that the choices we both make right now, could decide what our future holds. I’ve been hurt, and I know you have been too, but I know that this just gives us a chance to love each other better; knowing what we want and what we don’t want. All with learning from our past. 

And I love you fearlessly because not doing so means loving skeptically. It means having to second-guess everything I say and do. It means closing myself off to protect my heart from what “might” happen. And I don’t want to live like that. I know that you will only give of yourself in small doses. But I’m patient and I have been from the start. But, I have faith, in you, in us. 

I understand now, that not everyone is worthy of my time, love, and loyalty. But if I’ve chosen to love you, and I won’t do it halfway. I also know we will never fully know until we try.

And I also love you fearlessly because I recognize that my love isn’t wasted on the “wrong one.” I know my love isn’t a like tank that empties if I give one person too much. I may have other fears, but running out of love for you isn’t one of them.

And I love you so fearlessly, not because you’re perfect and couldn’t ever hurt me. I am aware that you may not be perfect, and neither am I, but we both can work through any problem together, because we want to, and that something doesn’t have to tear us apart unless we let it. I know that while love can be complicated and can fall apart, it doesn’t have to without a fight, and I am ready for it.

And I am that girl who loves YOU so fearlessly, because that kind of love could be so life-changing. It shows you what love looks like when it stays. When it fights. When it gives everything it can and when it’s true. 

And I love you so, so fearlessly because I believe YOU are worth it. Please recognize how beautiful that is and you are. And how important that it is to know your worth. 

You Trust me. Trusted me enough to let me in the lives of your children. You’ve trusted me with your home and your boat and your car. You’ve trusted me with more personal information than you’ve probably ever shared with anyone. You trust me enough to be your best friend. But, here I am just waiting to be trusted with your heart. 

I want you to be my home. I want you to be my family. I want you to impact my life bigger than anyone has ever done. I want to wake up every day knowing that I am yours and you are proud to say the same. 

I am so proud to have you in my life. You are an amazingly beautiful man. I wish for you to feel the same way. I want to be your confidante, your lover, your heart and your best friend. 

I thank God every day that he brought you in my life.  And I pray every night that you are safe and happy and know you are loved. I pray that you see yourself through my eyes, one day and truly know how wonderful you are and how happy I am to be in your world. 

With all my heart, 

Tracy

A Long Kiss during a Quarantine

We’re quarantined, our jobs closed down, we’re barely scraping by. We’re bored, we’re pacing the floors, we need to work, we need to eat. We need to pay our bills. We’re afraid to lose our homes. We’re afraid to lose our jobs. We’re afraid of not being able to feed our families. We’re afraid of  running out of soap, toilet paper, bottled water. We are afraid to be near anyone. We are afraid to be away from everyone. We hate being alone. We are so fucking alone. We break quarantine to see his face, for a long kiss, for someone to hold. For conversation, to just look at him.

Its Ok to be not ok

Here’s how I see it. Finding someone to love is not going to save me. But to find someone to hold my hand while I try to save myself, in a world that’s not so great all the time and sometimes hard to bear. I think that’s all we’re really searching for. Someone to be by our side.  Someone who grounds us. Someone to hug us for 20 minutes straight while we try to figure it all out. I think that’s all anybody really needs. Someone to be there. Someone who gets us. Someone who will stay. Someone who will say it’s OK, to be not OK until it’s all OK. 

The Tribes

I’ve come to realize in my old age. The ripe ole age of 48, that my tribe is ever changing. Old friends, become new friends. New friends become old friends. There are a few constants. Some I’d be sad if I lost. Some I’d smile as they walked away. And God Forgive me, I wouldn’t shed a tear for a small few, if they fell off the face of the earth. There’s one I want to adventure with, take naps with, cook for, get to know more. There’s friends that I party with, drink with, dance with, sing with. There are friends that hold me up. There are friends that I lift. There is the tribe since childhood. There’s the tribe since Highschool and then there’s the tribe you NEVER EVER EVER saw coming. A bunch of misfits that fit together like a well thought out puzzle. I just love them all with all my might and need them to know that I think of and love each and every one of them every single day of their lives. 

Never Underestimate the power of a good morning text.

See the best in them, even when they don’t see it. 

Make sure they know that you care

Make sure they know they are loved

And Love me harder on the days they are feeling unlovable.

1/4/19 So I did it. I left my home I’ve been in since 2004, all because I couldn’t let go of an affair that happened six years ago. The love lost over these last six years, has been unbearable. I could no longer get passed the fact that I wasn’t the first choice. That my husband was with another woman on my birthday, on holidays, when he said he was working or with friends. I could no longer get passed the fact that I was second fiddle for a long time. And the lies and deceit were too much to bare anymore. I was not married to the man I married. I conhabitated with a stranger. I let my child see I settled. I settled for being second best. I let him see that I was ok with being lied to.  I let him hear me cry and didn’t tell him why. I let him see me be a door mat and it was ok. And he never questioned why. He never questioned why I walked on eggshells when dad slept. He never questioned why there was no laughter in our house. He never questioned why mom slept in another room. Now it’s every other weekend and once during the week time with his dad. But since he doesn’t know what happened, I’m the selfish one. I moved him out of the only home he’s ever known, Because I’m selfish. I only want myself to be happy. I don’t care about anyone else. That’s my cross to bare. In due time will he know I did it for him. I did it for us. It’s been two full months since I’ve physically walked away after mentally walking away in April of 2013. That was a long time to stay and hate yourself, hate your life, fake a smile, fake your life.

There are people that come in and out of your life. There are some that stay for a short time, for certain reasons or another they couldn’t or wouldn’t stay or you pushed them away. Some leave and come back. Some linger around like a thorn in your side but they are comfortable, but add absolutely nothing to your life. Some stay around and change your life every day, and make your world a better place. Some make you laugh. some make you cry. Some make you angry, some make you happy.

I learned a few things about myself this weekend. I walked into my high school reunion saying to myself I don’t care if anyone remembers me or not, I don’t care if they liked me or not, if they cared to ever know me or not. I was starting new tonight. I was the Tracy I became over the past 30, flaws, mistakes, triumphs, no regrets.  I heard some things from a few people that I was shocked to hear. About how nice I was to them, how much of a good true friend I was, how much they missed me, how they wish they kept in contact with me, how they crushed on me. And when I look back, I can say to myself I truly cared about each of them, but I had no idea I made any impact on anyone or anything and that is why I live the way I do today, leaving my mark daily, leaving my legacy. It’s not was I have, it’s what I leave behind. It will show in my work, volunteering, charities and home.

So when I say no regrets, maybe that not a full and true statement. I regret not finding out earlier what I meant to someone (and to be there for them), I regret not knowing what people thought of me (and to stay on their mind). I regret not being in their lives and them not being in mine(and watching our children grow.
When you feel invisible, it’s not a happy time. You reinvent yourself. You become a new you. Who would have thought that I mattered? Did you ever think about what you mattered to anyone? I didn’t, because I never thought I did. But it’s not true, each of you that has come in, in and out or in out and in again, have made me who I am today. Even if you haven't made a difference, each of you created a memory, each of you left a foot print in my life.
That’s all I have to say about that.

Imperfection

The flaws and imperfections you see in your reflection aren’t flaws to me, I see them as your protection against all the doubts you have of your perfection. You ARE worth it. You ARE PERFECT. You ARE enough. 

So start today.... Take a long look in the mirror today and say to yourself “I am who I’ve been looking for.”  If you don’t love yourself how can you ever love someone else. 

No, I wouldn't change your choices. I wouldn't ask you to stay, not to serve, not to leave us. No, I don't wish you home, or resent the miles, or wish it was different. Yes, I know I can't change what is, stop your journey, or keep you safe. Yes, I worry, but I am proud. Yes, I pray for your days and protection for your mind. Yes, I storm the heavens and plead for safety for you, and for all your brothers and sisters in uniform.
No, I wouldn't change your choices, but I do beg God every day that you never lose heart, lose this smile, or lose hope. If you do, I will fight. Fight for you, fight the entire world, one demon at a time. I would do whatever it took, to get it back for you. Anything and everything it takes, I will do, if ever I need to, to help you remember there is goodness still ahead.
I think that's just what military mamas do.

I watched you die before my eyes.

I watched you die right before my eyes and swore to God to take my life to keep you alive. Years I spent wondering what happened. Because when were just kids I could never had imagined.
But then you cast a spell and somewhere, something dark and Satan’s greatest trick was keeping us apart. And the power took over. Some call it addiction. And i call you on the phone praying for you to listen. But you couldn’t hear me. It was like you were comatose and every time I’d have a nightmare right before my eyes. And I’d never thought you would pray for death but the thought of you dying, steals the breath from my chest. Cause I’m your sister and you’re supposed to protect me. But drugs took my brother and made him neglect me. Then the meth stepped in and entranced you with its charm. And your eyes sunk in and I knew you couldn’t see me. But you said you had visions that you could see so clearly. And I tried to pull you out. My hands deep into the ground. But you passed away with no one around. And I prayed at your grave... sobbing, I’d grieved your life because I was mourning my brother and my brother was still alive. But you were buried., your ribs stuck to your skin. And I wondered was I ever going to see you again. And I screamed at God. Is this really your plan??? To give this gift to me and take it away again and again.???? Is this why you gave him life just to watch him suffer? Why did you make me a sister, just to take my brother? I don’t accept this. You made him for a purpose to be a father to his kids and son and a brother. And I know he’s thinking right now that he doesn’t deserve it. Because I thought that too when he hurt my daughter. When he involved her in his madness and she knew more than she should. But God if you can hear me then show him there’s hope.
Then something happened. My brother started to see and I had to take a second glance cause YOU were looking back at me. And I watched you come alive. Now you call us on the phone. You involve us in your healing and you’re no longer alone. I hope you found this peace, no longer a drug and you found her love and hope it’s enough.  And God gave you a vision, it’s you with your kids, our parents and us. I want to sit back so amazed and the progress you’ve made. I want to finally sleep with no weight on my chest, that my brother will be here and doing his best. And God I want to thank you for giving me back my brother. We can sleep again knowing we have each other.

Weak

He was someone who was unable to love someone other than himself. I am not sure that he even loved himself. He was full of insecurities and self-doubts that he was projecting on others. He gained his self-confidence and importance through the admiration of others.
I lost myself in the process of loving a narcissistic man.
From a happy, confident, and strong woman, I became an anxious, depressed, and weak little girl. I believed that I was worthless to be loved and I saw negativity everywhere.

After the Affair

The first year was the emotional rollercoaster year. The first year was full of tears. I cried on my way to work on a daily basis. I cried at work. I cried at night when the house was dark and quiet. I cried as I watched my husband with our children acting as if nothing had happened. I cried until I became numb. The first year was full of triggers. Everything disgusted me. The way he breathed, the way he ate, the way he dresses, the way he went out as if it was no big deal.  By the end of year one I was beginning to focus on learning to live with the affair and not letting it control my emotions. Just living with it. 

Surviving an Affair.

If you have to erase messages, email or numbers because you know your spouse will not approve or it will upset them, then you have already cheated, emotionally. Emotional cheating is worse, sometimes, than sexual cheating. To CHOOSE someone over your spouse. To work at hiding the affair, is harder than walking away from starting the affair and working to save your marriage. If you worked as hard at saving your marriage as you did at hiding the affair, you wouldn't be in the situation. The cheated spouse may have suspected long before the affair began, that they were losing their spouse, so they shut themselves off. Meaning, why work at something if they don't care enough to be there. Staying away for long periods, for unaccounted hours or days, looking for excuses to be away, has shut the cheated spouse off from reality. A deep depression sets in. They throw themselves into something where they feel appreciated, loved or admired. They put there whole selves into something, to feel that emotional connection, to hide the pain and sadness. The cheated spouse often finds an alternative to cheating, even when given the chance. They often throw themselves into a hobby, hovering over their children, or other family members or obsessing about their work. If deciding to keep the marriage together, The cheated spouse often feels they need to overcompensate by prostituting their integrity and forgiving too quickly. Not making the cheating spouse earn the trust and respect back. Thus, leaving the cheating spouse to feel invincible. They can't be touched, they can have their cake and eat it too. The cheating spouse will often end the affair, not because they want to, but because they got caught. They will wait for a better time to continue the affair. The affair will most likely continue if the cheated spouse let's their guard down. The cheating spouse felt a sense of entitlement. They were driven, they were drawn, they were lured, they were pushed. The cheating spouse CHOSE to cheat. It doesn't just happen. They chose to continue, they chose to hide, they chose to lie, they chose to choose SOMEONE else over their spouse. They absolutely meant for it to happen or else it wouldn't have happened. A one night stand is completely different than a sexual and emotional affair. The cheated spouse feels defeated, unloved, undesirable, and unwanted. It causes, sometimes, physical or emotional illnesses on the cheated spouse. The cheated spouse will often beg for forgiveness when in fact, they are being played. They are being made to believe what they did was the DIRECT cause of this affair. The cheating spouse continuously put themselves in the situation of a potential affair. Each time an omitted or false statement exited their mouth. Each time they had an excuse for their actions.

No one wants me around

So, as you know my son was diagnosed with Aspergers a few summers ago and a few months ago with ADHD. We'll, we knew it was coming shortly after the Aspergers diagnosis. It just wasn't all adding up. There was more to it then JUST Aspergers.  The impulse control, the social issues, the calling out, the no friends. No one wanted him around. No one understands him. He tries to hang, they push him away. He gets angry and acts out. He acts out because he is unwanted, unloved and invalidated. They actually make things up about him to keep him away. And because of his "issues" most people just say, it's you Bubba, you're the problem. Not them, not understanding him, not their immaturity, not their ignorance. It's not their job to understand or accept him. You can't force people to deal with or accept another person.  So, we finally resorted to medication because he fell behind in school. I never wanted to be one of those mothers who medicate their kids and turn them into a zombie. I always thought children diagnosed with ADHD just needed their ass beat. Until I met my own son. But this med was the opposite. Three weeks on meds and we notice, his counselor notices, his teachers notice. He has a chart in school and the marks go to 14 in the  and 14 in the pm.  The marks went from 1's and 3's to 13's and 14's.  So, we think wow, this is a miracle. But this is not without mishaps. Today at my nephews birthday party. It's all going fine when all of a sudden my nephew comes upstairs and says, "you gotta do something about Bubba, he's hitting my friends and spitting on them." Holy Crap, my son is hitting strangers and spitting in them. How horrible. Shocked and appalled, I run downstairs and grab him and get him out of there. He tells me over and over that he didn't do it. That he was just asking over and over again if he could play the new video gaming system with them but they were ignoring h and when he was getting upset they were laughing and making fun of him. But who believes him. No one. I take him home. And go back to get my other children once I settle him down. In the meantime, the friends don't know he leaves and they call his name in a very strange voice. Why, if you don't want him around, why, why, are you calling his name in a silly voice???? To rile him up again, so he can get in trouble again? What the fuck is wrong with people?  He is a little boy. Not a circus freak!!!!!!!!!  People feel sorry for me.  Don't feel sorry for. I understand him. You don't and choose not to. They want to know why he can't sit still!!! They wonder where his impulse control is. It's not there. Its his brain. It misfires. I am so tired of explaining to people. So so so tired of explaining why my son does what he does. The medication can only do so much and it does wear off. All day long he is amazing. One thing happens and it all spirals. It goes to shit!!!! I upset my sister, my daughters and myself. We became topic of conversation after we left.  Tired of my son being topic of conversation. So very tired of it. Im tired of people pushing him away. I'm tired of people's ignorance of autism, Aspergers and ADHD. Until my son was born I didn't believe ADHD existed. I tell you people, it does and it makes him sad, it makes him feel alone and very isolated. He doesn't have a single friend in the world and at age 9, I, his mom, am his only friend. And that's sad. He doesn't feel as if people love him. Especially his only male cousin remotely close to him. How can I explain to my son why his is the way he his. How do you explain to this beautiful, funny amazing boy why he does what he does.  How do I beat it into people's heads that he's not a bad boy and to stop pushing him away.  I think if these children felt understood or validated, they wouldn't feel the need to bother people. They wouldn't have that need because they felt included.  With me blood is thicker than water at anytime. Never treat anyone like shit. Never deliberately embarrass someone, especially your family. Never tell lies about them. Never  turn your back on your family. Always be there for them. Never think of them as a nuisance. But think of them as an amazing, wonderful gift from God. Everyone is different. I bet if you got to know my son, you would think he was a really cool kid. He's smart, he's funny and his vocabulary is large. He understands more than you think. He has feeling and they hurt just as much as yours do when they are stomped all over.