Masterpiece

 He doesn’t trust easily. I can see that in the distance that he creates between himself and everyone around him. But he has much love to offer and I can see it in the kindness of his seldom smile he gives me. He has a million chaotic galaxies of thoughts, thousands of tangled up worlds of words and places in his mind. I can see it in the way his eyes seem somewhat lost, like they are somewhere else. It’s seems he wants to be somewhere else. I see it in his restlessness. Life never went easy for him and he doesn’t go easy on himself. He is strong. I can see it it his eyes. I can sense it in his voice. I believe that his body, heart, soul and his mind can recover and rebuild after being broken. He knows what it’s like to feel worthless, unworthy, unloved, defenseless, dismissed, denied and under-appreciated. I see the beauty in his quirks, in his scars and in his soul.  He is a masterpiece. He is my heart.

Surrender

 In your lifetime you will meet that one person who will love you more than anyone you have ever known and will ever know. They will love you with every bit of energy in their soul. They will sacrifice, surrender and give you so much love that it scares you.  Hold onto that person. Because a love like that is rare and only comes once in a lifetime. 

I will Find you.

 I can hear the sound of your barely beating heart.  Pieces on the ground from the world that fell apart.  Just hold on. It won’t be long. I will find you, here inside the dark. I will break through. No matter where you are. I WILL find you.  I won’t let you fall, I won’t let you go. I will help you find your heart.

Fear

 I love him fearlessly with so much fear. How is that? 

I give him my love fearlessly with the fear that he will never feel the same. 

You ever just put your heart out there with blind faith and not know where you stand? 

This is where I am. Wanting him, needing him. Questioning everything. Who I am. Who I am to him. Where we are. What our future holds. 

It’s not that I want to be loved so bad, is that I want him to love me so good. To be his absolute everything as he is to me.

It’s sucks not knowing where you stand and when they just can’t tell you, is where you start wondering if you, indeed, are enough for their heart to hold onto. 

I want so bad to be his heart, his love, his home. 

Finding your worth is a lot harder than when you are in the dark. 

I know I am worthy, but sometimes I don’t feel he sees that. 

He is my heart. He is my future. I love him deep in my soul. 

I just wish he felt the same love. That he never had to question if I am worth it. If we are worth it. 

I know there is something special, something different. Something real about him. I feel that. I know it. 

I keep saying to myself, The one who says I can’t love you, once loved someone unconditionally. And that Is what i see. He once, twice and more times loved someone so unconditionally, that he hasn’t any left for me. 

My biggest fear is that he doesn’t have love left in his heart to give to me. I do hope he sees my unconditional, love and support. Absolutely since day one. I keep thinking that he’ll come around and realize this is it. It can be our end all be all. And I will fear no more. 

Love Fearlessly

The truth is when you’re still getting over being hurt and you meet someone new, there probably isn’t going to be that relief of “finally!!!” I get that. 

I know you want to be over it, I know you want to love again. And I know that will take time. I understand. You didn’t ask to fall in love before. You didn’t ask to get your heart broken. And you most certainly didn’t ask for fate to throw someone like ME at you when you weren’t ready. I know I’m a bit of a handful. 

But when you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it isn’t enough, you don’t even know what you have to offer to someone new. I know that feeling all to well. 

And you explain it to me, like “this is what I’m going through right now”. And I’ve understood it from the first time, from the very beginning. 

But I know, you know, in your heart that I deserve a fair shot at love with you. I know you don’t want to put pressure on me, thinking I need to heal you. And you wish you could give me your best, but all of it is a process. I know you don’t want to make me feel exactly the way they have made you feel, like it’s me, that’s not good enough or worthy. Or that you are comparing me to someone else. But it IS exactly what you are doing. When I say I’m different. And when I say I won’t hurt you. I can say anything I want. But I’ve proven it, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I love you, that I care for you, that I am loyal, you can trust me and that I have your back, every day, no matter what. 

You stay so silent sometimes distant and unemotional, trying to move forward, even if it’s baby steps with me. I’m ok with baby steps. Oh God, I am ok with baby steps. 

I know your heart isn’t in this completely. I mean how could it be? It was crushed. Because being open and vulnerable with someone is rough. Thinking of someone else’s feelings rather than yours is harder than it seems. And when you’ve been burned by love before, the process is that much scarier.

So, in the beginning you diverted your attention to someone who was giving you their attention, me. Then reality set in and I started falling and you weren’t there yet. But you didn’t tell me right away. Not until you had to.

But you know sometimes all it takes is someone treating you right and loving you right. I know you know that. 

Maybe I’m not what you want right now, but maybe i am exactly what you need. Maybe some people are designed to heal the pain others caused and love you in a way that is so unfamiliar, that is just feels right. That is feels like home. Because you feel like home to me. 
Maybe we are all one degree and one strange meeting away from healing. Maybe it isn’t something we have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is that one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can “finally!!!” let go of. 

The beginning of healing your life and heart could very well be with a girl who loves you fearlessly, someone like me. Beause I’ve been burned, I’ve been crushed. I’ve been destroyed. I have died so many times. But I am still here and alive and handing my heart and my love to you. 

I love fearlessly because I recognize that my past, or yours, isn’t the determination of our present. I know that the choices we both make right now, could decide what our future holds. I’ve been hurt, and I know you have been too, but I know that this just gives us a chance to love each other better; knowing what we want and what we don’t want. All with learning from our past. 

And I love you fearlessly because not doing so means loving skeptically. It means having to second-guess everything I say and do. It means closing myself off to protect my heart from what “might” happen. And I don’t want to live like that. I know that you will only give of yourself in small doses. But I’m patient and I have been from the start. But, I have faith, in you, in us. 

I understand now, that not everyone is worthy of my time, love, and loyalty. But if I’ve chosen to love you, and I won’t do it halfway. I also know we will never fully know until we try.

And I also love you fearlessly because I recognize that my love isn’t wasted on the “wrong one.” I know my love isn’t a like tank that empties if I give one person too much. I may have other fears, but running out of love for you isn’t one of them.

And I love you so fearlessly, not because you’re perfect and couldn’t ever hurt me. I am aware that you may not be perfect, and neither am I, but we both can work through any problem together, because we want to, and that something doesn’t have to tear us apart unless we let it. I know that while love can be complicated and can fall apart, it doesn’t have to without a fight, and I am ready for it.

And I am that girl who loves YOU so fearlessly, because that kind of love could be so life-changing. It shows you what love looks like when it stays. When it fights. When it gives everything it can and when it’s true. 

And I love you so, so fearlessly because I believe YOU are worth it. Please recognize how beautiful that is and you are. And how important that it is to know your worth. 

You Trust me. Trusted me enough to let me in the lives of your children. You’ve trusted me with your home and your boat and your car. You’ve trusted me with more personal information than you’ve probably ever shared with anyone. You trust me enough to be your best friend. But, here I am just waiting to be trusted with your heart. 

I want you to be my home. I want you to be my family. I want you to impact my life bigger than anyone has ever done. I want to wake up every day knowing that I am yours and you are proud to say the same. 

I am so proud to have you in my life. You are an amazingly beautiful man. I wish for you to feel the same way. I want to be your confidante, your lover, your heart and your best friend. 

I thank God every day that he brought you in my life.  And I pray every night that you are safe and happy and know you are loved. I pray that you see yourself through my eyes, one day and truly know how wonderful you are and how happy I am to be in your world. 

With all my heart, 

Tracy

A Long Kiss during a Quarantine

We’re quarantined, our jobs closed down, we’re barely scraping by. We’re bored, we’re pacing the floors, we need to work, we need to eat. We need to pay our bills. We’re afraid to lose our homes. We’re afraid to lose our jobs. We’re afraid of not being able to feed our families. We’re afraid of  running out of soap, toilet paper, bottled water. We are afraid to be near anyone. We are afraid to be away from everyone. We hate being alone. We are so fucking alone. We break quarantine to see his face, for a long kiss, for someone to hold. For conversation, to just look at him.